even though o lvl is about to end ( 2 more papers left), this 2 months i had been like, living in hell? haha. is not like i mugged a lot too. seriously i reallie very slack. even my father thought my o lvl was over even though it haven't started. haha. but then, my couzzie kept coming over to my hse to study. is not i no like or smth, but because i teach him till very late, he changed my biological clock till i need to wait till about 1-3 am then i can sleep.

is like i tell him countless of times that DO NOT SLEEP LATE. one reason is i scared that he will end up being tired in de day, another reason is that i dun want my own brain to shift its clock. before he come, me is HAVE TO SLEEP AT 11 pm kind.now that he is gone, i can't sleep till 3am. i know he didn't mean it one lar, but i just felt pissed off. why didn't my mother protect me.

ppl around me keep saying, " why you want to help him? " , " can you dun help him", " can you stop helping him? " , " you O lvl more impt to you or his O lvl more important to you?" kind of stuffs. actually, i need more answers compared to qns. de answer to stop my problems seemed to be i stop teaching him. but problem is, it's not lor. my mother just agree to it. even though my aunt says that i also need time to rest and study, my mother's reply was " aiya never mind one lar. "

i was like, HELLO, is it my body or your body? his qns are like spam kind lar. i think i helped him through his whole TYS when i didn't even touch mine? haha. 3 weeks before exam and i need to help him with his amath, emath and chemistry. seriously, i am not god or some legendary teacher. i understand that they helped me celebrate my birthday when i was young and they are my relatives and that they wouldn't come find me if they weren't desperate for help. and i am willing to help too. but the thing is that, why didn't she help me stop him from spamming me at 1am at night? seriously if her attitude towards me was better, i wouldn't mind teaching him till morning. i just need her to say, " you can handle ma? cannot handle then i tell him come once a week" or smth like that. instead of " you see for yourself whether you want him to come. then you go tell him". i mean, what kind of attitude is that lar! as if my stuff doesn't concern her.

plus i see him i very stress, seriously. everytime he will start to count down as though it's like end of de world kind. plus his tone was like very anxious. i will help him de. it's not like i got de heart to jian si bu jiu. please lar, i dun even dare to kill an ant ( because it's too creepy. so many legs -.- ) , what makes you think that i wouldn't help him.

but i got some problems with him though. why must me always go till so late? i know he is used to it le, but i had told him many many times, dun study till so late, your body wun have sufficient energy to supply your brain to think. now nerh? not only you can't sleep, i can't sleep too.

that day before his science practical, his sms and calls woke me up. end up i can't sleep and i cried throughout de night. then my mommy come and scold me say i am so unlucky. shift new hse cry cry cry. why do i keep crying. so useless. all this stuffs. HELLO, do i look like i want to cry. please lar, i dun even want her to find out that i was crying. she was like coming into my room to ask me who is my gor gor ( is actually a friend of mine whom i call him gor gor for FUN) , then she come and scold me say i got to know some gangster friend or smth. please lar, why is she always like that. then i tell her say, " please lar, de real problem is in your ah boy gor gor ( that's how i call my cousin) " i can't sleep because i was woken up 3 times by him. instead of helping me to sleep, she is making my mood worse. what's de problem with her lar? other ppl's o lvl more impt that her daughter's o lvl?

plus i recieved pressure from my friends and teacher saying that why dun i just stop teaching and go to sleep. put yourself in my shoe and think. if i can do that, i would have done that long ago. i wouldn't have come telling you all these in de first place, isn't it? haish.

that's not all. i got a few times dream of him in my dream. is like, de moment i saw him in my dream, i start running in my dream lar. running away. then i tell my mommy about it, she say i was being heartless. then i was like thinking, you are de one being cruel to me lar. i ran away in my dreams what, also not run away from him in reality. in what way am i cruel? he invaded my dreams and i run away, did i do anything wrong? totally phobia le lar. and there you are saying that i heartless. if i heartless, i wouldn't sacrifice my time and energy on him. no way.

and his table manners was totally. i cannot take it. dun feel like mentioning it. i am not blaming my cousin for all these. he didn't want it to. what i am blaming is why my mother attitude me. that's what i am unhappy about. i am not unhappy about my cousin or my aunt. i know that they didn't want to disturb me too. so dun misunderstand.

but then again, what's de point of saying all these now? what's done cannot be undone. even if i am angry, i couldn't change any fact now. some things are just not within my control. all i can do now is to pray hard that my result is good enough for me to enter a at least reasonable college. seriously. if not, i wouldn't know what i will do. maybe i will start hating whoever caused it. maybe i will start blaming myself for not studying hard enough. afterall, it's my o lvl. not anyone's else.